Insecurities

I had a vision of asking God one question

One chance to hear directly

To know completely

To remove all of the doubt and just

Hear truth

My question wasn’t why is there evil

Or why do parents die

I didn’t care about the dinosaurs

Or why doesn’t God prove himself

My mind flew past questions of

Philosophy

Theology

Psychology

Physiology

And all of the other ologies that people have been arguing about for centuries

The question that rose up in me

Didn’t come from my mind,

But rose up from deep down on the inside

From deep dark dank hidden places

Where fears and insecurities live and fester
The question erupted from me

Tearing right past false me

Past false bravado

false macho

Even right past pride

No longer would it be silent

And wait

If God was listening

and going to answer

Then it would no longer be hidden

No longer be held-down

Made silent

Ignored

Destroyed

Repressed

Or dismissed

It had to know

And so it came

before I could stop it with other fears

Before

“I’ve got it all together” pushed back down

before

“Don’t let anyone see that you’re weak” forced it back down

it came

cause every piece of laughed at childhood had to know

all the memories of fat and slow had to know

all of the times when people had made me feel

pointless

loveless

friendless

homeless

worthless

useless

Had to know

GOD!

AM I GOOD ENOUGH

Am I doing a good job?