Lay it Down

Walking slowly through the apartment I feel it
Like a weight I can’t throw off
I am guilty. I am caught.
I am desperate for forgiveness
Yet I won’t simply run to Him
Throw myself at his scarred feet
And ask for the mercy I know he is ready to give

Like a child who has grown too tired to sleep
I fight against it, against the desire to relieve myself of this weight
Of this burden that bows my back
As I slowly move from room to room
Why won’t I lay it down?

Is it the “I did it again?” words that just don’t want to come out?
Is it fear that this time there will be no mercy?
So I cower like a kicked dog--dying for affection, but fearing the foot
Only I have never been kicked

I think it is just plain old stubborn pride
That forces me to carry it all on my own
That makes me handle it first
Until my grubby hands have it sticky and dirty and wrong
Why must I wait so long to seek forgiveness

I know Mercy is waiting
But here I am walking slowly through this apartment carrying my weight
I am dying to put it down
but I don’t
So I keep walking